Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Already 25

Time is passing by and sometimes I forget... I forget I am already 25. I am a proud Libra and October is probably the best month... The month of sweet autumn, memories, nostalgia, melancholia... The month of rain and warm sunset by the beach. October will always be very dear to me, I was born and sometimes I also forget to cherish life... my life.
About a year ago I lost the sense of my life and I lost myself. I've been put through things I never imagined before. I was treated very badly, put to the ground, like rubbish for someone I tried to trust in the first place. I wasn't able to speak about it, I isolated myself from my friends and from the world. When someone tells you everyday you are a bad person you start to believe it. So it was what happened, I start to believe it was everything my fault, that I was a bad person, a bad friend... That I was a shitty person that doesn't deserves nothing. So I closed myself in my room and I couldn't go out, the idea of someone stalking me around was too much for me to handle, the freak control, where I was, what I wore, who I spoke to, the non stop text messages, online messages, the bad words, the bad names, the insomnia, the nightmares I still have, it messed up with me so much that I couldn't be myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. And it happened for months... until I start to talk with my friends about my "situation". I wasn't a bad person, I did nothing wrong, I wasn't a bad friend, I wasn't rubbish... He was the narcissist one, not me. He was a coward and not me, he was a piece of shit and not me. My friends supported me so much, there is no "thank you" enough on this world for them. Each one of them were very important to me, to bring me back from the dead... from the black hole where I was laying.
I understood I wasn't the only one, he did it before. I met someone who was dealing with the same situation and talk with someone who knows what it is like... It was overwhelming, I wasn't crazy at all, I wasn't the only one in the same situation... I wasn't alone. We became closed friends, sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. She helped me in her way to understand that I was a normal human being and the NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is something we can do nothing about it. It exists around you more that you probably think and it is real, they need psychiatric help. But of course those people are not able to recognize they have it in the first place (remember, you are the wrong one, not them).
Although, I am not totally "healed", I became stronger than I was before, but I still have those wounds. After this is very hard for me to meet new people and to trust, It is a very slow process that with time I hope to get through it easier.
My advice, if you are in a abusive relationship, you should talk to your friends, to your family about it, you should search for support wherever you are able to. Not talking and hiding is the worst thing you can do. Don't think it is your fault, even if he (or she) says it. They tend to manipulate us so hard that we start to believe in things that are not true and we start to doubt about ourselves.
They are the screwed ones, not us. 
They are the narcissist ones, not us. 
They are the ones that should seek psychiatrist help.

Despite everything I finished my degree in History of Art and I was accepted in the Master of Tourism and Communication that I applied for. My friendship with my friends got stronger and I know they are there for me as I am for them.
"It can't rain all the time..." like Eric Draven from the film The Crow (1994) said.

I am in my way now... Some people thought I wasn't able go to university, and then I am graduated, some people never thought I could start a Master... well I am on it! This is a big fuck you all. My life doesn't stop just because yours did. And I am not going to surrender everytime they try to put me down, I am just too much now... too much for you. I have become me again... twice stronger, twice crazier, twice ME.

The friday before my birthday I lost someone and I met another... Funny (or not) how sometimes things work.
What is going to happen? I don't know... But somehow I want to believe in it.












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